The House Guests

Early this morning, I found myself brushing my teeth with one hand and slaughtering termites with the other. Going through my usual a.m. routine, I was brushing my teeth at the kitchen sink (we only have one full bathroom) and noticed a smattering of the little bastards creepy-crawlying around the kitchen windowsills. Never missing a beat, my teeth continued to become gloriously cleansed (I have one of those swirly motorized toothbrushes) while I proceeded to utilize a paper towel to smoosh the invaders as they winglessly stumbled around in my terrain.

I then did the same thing in another room as I ironed a shirt and put makeup on. The termites must have had a brilliant night with themselves. Sorry for the REALLY bad hangover, termites. No colonizing for you.

YESTERDAY morning, I stumbled out of bed into a hallway barely light with morning ambience and stopped short, quickly learning that cockroaches blend significantly well with the color of hardwood floors. Barefoot and groggy, the nearest weapon at hand was an old antique metal iron that we normally use as a doorstop. I peered at the cockroach – and MAN was this guy high, since we do get an exterminator out once a month – and dropped the iron on it like a bad ACME villain. And then I stepped on the iron for good measure until that gratifying CRUNCH was felt through the bottom of my newly-awakened foot.

I have become a morning bug-slayer.  Destroyer of Evil.  A dowright Warrior.

So far, we’ve only dealt with two roaches in the house – this latest I think because our bug-guy hasn’t been out yet this month. Meanwhile, we’ve been lucky on the termite front, but lately they’re getting a little more bold with my fortress.

Meanwhile, in the mornings, especially after a rain, I have to be very careful when I go down our front steps, lest I step on one of the myriad snails that are out plodding smoothly about. I know they’re hideously bad for plants…but if I accidentally step on a snail (and I have, about three times…a NOT-gratifying crunch, but unmistakable), I feel like a total asshole.

And I saw the first slug last week that I’d seen in YEARS. They used to mortify me when I was a kid. This one, I was just impressed with how fast he got along…I was going to snap a photo and he was just POOF GONE!

The same day that I stepped over snails and marvelled at the slug, I almost walked face-first into a really rather impressive spiderweb that was constructed over night, and that reached from the tree out front to the sidewalk.

House guests. Of the slithery variety! It is our first summer in the south, and I am now in the process of adapting to the Things and Stuff that show up on or around or under our doorstep. Or kitchen windowsill. Or in my face.  I knew it was coming, all the way back in April as I tip-toed down to Magazine St. avoiding all those weird prickly caterpillars that drop out of trees and sting you.

I think I’m adapting, at least, if my recent morning slaughterings are any indication. J seems disturbed at how calmly I destroy. DESTROY I SAY!

“Honey, why is the iron in the middle of the hallway floor?”

“There was a roach. I dropped it on his head. And then stepped on it.”



Summer in the South. Definitely something to adapt to. Considering, though, that it was just about a year ago that J and I were making the devastating decision to run back to Colorado? I’ll throw irons at roaches all day long, baby.

Featured Image: Lest I give the impression that I think ALL bugs are bad.  I spotted this pretty guy hanging around on the outside of my building as I left work today.  I love these guys.  This one was a little longer than my thumb, with a wingspan about twice that.  So awesome.  Not smoosh-material.


4 Comments Add yours

  1. infamaus says:

    Sooz, our perimeter appears to be stabilizing but I don’t want to be to arrogant about that because things fluctuate. No roaches, one big spider. Think we’re getting there. As Chief Lone Waddie so elequently said, “Endeavor to Persevere”

  2. We may have to discuss *when* I’ll visit… is there a season with fewer bug buddies?

    You two are well worth surviving Wild Kingdom. 😉


    1. Oh yeah! Fall for sure as we talked about on the phone. Much better than the creeping chaos we got right now!

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