Keeping it Together

Ow.  I checked my mailbox on my way inside from walking the dog this morning, and our yearly Starfest postcard was waiting in there.  Just, ow.  Anyway.

Greetings, world, from my very last Monday at the place I work, ever.  What a strange, strange feeling.  It is not without its certain sense of expected liberty, but it is sad, nonetheless.  I spent the morning cleaning out my work email, transferring some files to my protegé, that sort of thing.  We’ll more than likely recommence some training this afternoon, as will also be the case for the rest of the week.  The emails were the hardest, though.  I had stuff saved in there that went years back.  Photos from my office bridal shower.  Congratulatory messages from coworkers from when I graduated from art school.  Inside-joke stuff.  I forwarded those things to my personal email, and deleted the rest of it.  It really just drove home that, in the 11 years I’ve been here, this place has been my second home, my work family.  I am in awe.

I also, this morning, scheduled the shutdown of our energy services, and made appointments for my final chiropractor and haircut visits.

I feel a little raw.  The extreme lack of sleep that I’m experiencing today is more than likely a factor in just *how* raw I’m feeling today.  The whole “Spring Forward” thing messes me up every year.  I stared up at the ceiling in the dark until around midnight last night, wide awake.  Which led then, of course, to that insomniacal midnight bout of stress and worry.  The neighbors on the balcony one floor up outside our bedroom window were up late partying, to boot.  THAT didn’t help, either.  Nevertheless, the rawness I’m feeling is fairly well genuine, no doubt about it, but the sleep dep is 10-folding it to extremes.

On my walk in this morning, I felt like a Ghost.  If you look closely at the sidewalks down here in my neck of the city, you will undoubtedly see a groove where my feet have trod the same paths, over and over again, for 5 years.  Today, walking that same route, I felt detached from my body, as though I were watching the memory-image of myself from afar.  Nothing looked real.  This has been happening off and on for about a week now.  There is some soul-delay there, no doubt.  The part that’s already There, watching the part that is still Here.  Again, the exhaustion probably didn’t help.

All of this, on the tail of a most beautiful weekend that was also highly emotional in this full-of-love sort of way.  I spent the day with my parents on Friday, which is the last long spending-time moment I will have with them until they catch up to us down south, sometime later this fall.  Meanwhile, I continue to receive a much-needed, rueful giggle when I look back at Friday night, and how we all must have looked to anyone outside of the group of us that joined together, one more time, for a night out of Karaoke.  Karaoke is laughable for some, but we’ve owned it for years – my friend-family is so chock full of talent, it’s been one of our things for a very long time to go out, open our mouths, and take over the bar.  Friday was our last one, and it was fun and awesome and felt almost normal.  Except that it was our last one.  At least, for now.  I don’t doubt that we’ll come back to Denver for a visit and round folks up.  But it was the last one of this era, to be sure, and good lawd, what moments.  I think we all kept it together pretty well, until the Meaningful Songs came out.  M singing Danny Boy, and J joining him.  I know that’s when I broke, at least.  And a deeply, deeply beautiful shared moment with a friend outside.  And all of us up there at once, for the last song of the night, singing Stand By Me.  Sound cheesy?  Maybe.  But it’s US.  And that’s what matters.  But, yes, funny – all of us teary-eyed.  The other people in the bar looking at us funny.  The karaoke guy’s proclamation of, “Hey!  There’s no crying in Karaoke!!”  It was good.  Really, really good.

Sunday was my god-daughter’s 3rd birthday, and her brand new sister’s naming ceremony.  Both very excellent, but sad as well because I love those kids so much.  Auntie Voodoo (DOODOO) has promised to write though.  On neato stationary, no less!

All of that around our final shove of packing, packing, packing.  We’re pretty well caught up on most of that, now, save for some field trips to retrieve some things around town.

Looking forward, I’ve undoubtedly got some sort of cake thing at work on Friday.  Lunch with a friend on Wednesday.  Those last chiro and hair appointments.  And then the going away, and then the truck loading, and then the cleaning…and that’s it.

I will continue to strive (and possibly fail) to Keep it Together throughout all of these things.  Not just for me, and my underlying need to remain stoic at least as much as possible for my own sense of well-being, but for all of my people who are trying to do the same.

EDIT: Oh, what am I saying.  The rest of our time here will be an on and off again bawl-fest.  And that’s okay!

EDIT 2: Please let it be known that my sad-writing does not reflect the other half of my brain, which is excited about our journey and our new adventures and plans.  I’m not writing this sort of stuff to illicit sympathy or consolation.  I am, indeed, very much looking forward to reuniting these two halves of my soul!  So I will be okay, everything will be okay, and everyONE will be okay and the world will be okay, once we make the transition from “Goodbye” to “Hey what’s up, hello from New Orleans!  Now, when ya wanna come visit?”

Deep breathes, onward.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Melly Mel says:

    Omz and soul Cheetos my dear.

  2. Nola is now on my list of Places To Visit. Much sooner than later. ;D

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