Peering at Change

As I write this, I have 30 minutes left to my work day and I have scarcely a voice to speak with.  I had no idea that training someone how to do your job would kill your voice this much.  I am obviously in the habit of not speaking very often.  Who knew?  These past two days of training, however, it’s completely gone by the end of the day.  Wild stuff.  This training thing is going reasonably well so far, though, with very few moments of me stumbling over just how I do the things I do.  My only brain block thus far occurred this afternoon, when I had to begin instruction on how to manage our work website to someone that has never done anything web-related, ever.  We got through it and I left her at my desk to experiment with it all for a while – she’ll be fine.  It reminds me of when I started all of this stuff myself, back in the day…my constant calls or emails or IM messages to my now-ex-husband-but-always-best-friend..who more than likely just had that brain freeze like I’ve now encountered.  Funny stuff.

Meanwhile, J and I have been packing our tookases off.  We want to ensure that everything is simply ready to carry into the truck on Loading Day, so that no one has to waste time packing anything beforehand.  We were on a mega-good roll over the weekend, got a lot done, and then hit the Overwhelmed Wall.  It happens, you know those moments when you freeze and have no idea what to tackle next or how?  Yeah, those.  Regardless, we are committed to spending every evening filling up a certain quota of boxes combined with the throwing-out-of-things that always goes along with that.  We are both exhausted.  Not just from working all day and then picking away at belongings all night, but also because we are both plagued by random bouts of worry/stress-induced insomnia, to boot.  My energy level is low, low, low.

We finally have the handful of social Things that we can moosh in scheduled.  Those will be fun.  Sad too, undoubtedly, but fun.

It’s the sad thing that’s finally starting to wear me down.  I have yet to get completely, totally sad, but I find myself having these moments of complete surrealism where I’ll be staring at something (ie: a view) that I’ve stared at every day for years, realizing that I am leaving it.  No total sad yet…just a weird Dada-esque sense of disconnect.  This disconnect is kicking me in the shins when it comes to people, too.  I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be feeling about the different responses I’ve received to our departure.

Some goodbyes have happened at work already, in the form of Board members that I will not ever see again emailing me or dropping by.  I am genuinely surprised at how complimentary they have been to me.  I had no idea that they actually valued the things that I have done.  Meanwhile, I had one of my closer coworker buddies find out last week, and not say a word to me for two days.  Eventually, she informed me that she was proud that this was finally happening, but had not yet said anything lest she bawl all over my desk.  Most recently, one of my other workbased pals has STILL not spoken to me…except to say today that she couldn’t speak to me yet.

On the personal front, I seriously can’t parse the vibes.  I understand sad, I understand “we’ll miss you,” and I even kind of get the jealousy angle too.  I don’t get the mad vibe though.  What is that?  I’m mad that you’re leaving me?  I’m mad that you’re suddenly going so soon?  I’m totally angry that you can’t spend time with me?  This is all coming from a non-specific place, both in my personal life and at work.  I get it, but I don’t get it at the same time.  What do I say?  I’m sorry I’m leaving?  I’m sorry I’m pursuing a long-term dream?  I’m sorry I decided to just get it over with and GO?  I’m sorry you thought we were talking out our beehinds these last 3 years and then surprised you by actually going for it?

I DO feel bad that I can’t devote individual “quality” time to every single person who has asked it of me.  And believe me, there has been a lot asked of me.  It’s not easy to say sorry, no, but there’s no other way.  I’m up to my eyeballs in boxes and checklists, and so tired and nervous and worried and excited and preoccupied.  I’m running out of things to say sometimes.  And, honestly, just ready to go.

Anyway, just trying to parse my thoughts, and figure out what all these Vibes are.  I think getting some of these weird Vibes from the office is what has tipped me over, today.  I just don’t have the energy to deal with everything I have to accomplish in order to get on the road along with juggling all of this wild, sad resentment.  Or maybe I’m just spread so thin that I’m projecting.

Because yeah, I’m sad too.  But my sad is balanced by excitement and hope.  And then I feel guilty about feeling excitement and hope when other people are feeling sad.  Horrid cycle, that.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. See you in New Orleans.

    1. Absolutely, brother-friend. 🙂

  2. Melly Mel says:

    You. Loved. Always.
    It takes brass balls and sweet insanity and I am proud as hell of you, my dah-link.

    And yes, will be seeing you in Da Crescent, fo’ sho’ ’nuff.

    Grab those dreams and throw the bridle on baby, it’s gonna be a fantastic ride!

    1. You. Loved. Always. Right Back! And thank you, that means tons to me. And, HECK YEAH!

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