Weighing Decisions

I have played things fairly safe, my entire life.  For example, when I graduated from college in New Mexico, back in the day, I had no obligations to anything.  I could have gone anywhere.  But, I did the smart thing, and came to Colorado, where my folks are, because they were happy to help me out for a spell while I got on my feet and figured myself out.  Another sample of this Safeness was when I worked for Prentice Hall Publishing as a freelancer, the year after I came here.  They saw something in me, and had an Assistant Editor spot open…in New Jersey.  They were willing to give me that spot, if I was willing to move…to New Jersey.  By that time, there were some things I didn’t want to leave, here.  So I didn’t take that chance.  I also didn’t take a chance when I graduated from art school in 2007 – I stayed where I work still, instead of wanting to drop to a lower income to start over again in the Graphic Design field.

Don’t get me wrong: I have no regrets about coming here, or choosing to stay here.  Had I not, I would not know the people that I know and love, would not have had the amazing experiences that I have had.

But.

I’m starting to wonder if it is time to finally do something that is not Safe.

J and I have been avidly job-hunting for several weeks now.  He had that one very good interview, and was told that Round 2 was happening this week.  Now, it’s Friday, and he has not heard a thing.  That doesn’t necessarily mean the door is closed on that particular opportunity, but it’s making us wonder some things.  Because other than that, he and I have received 1 or 2 rejection letters apiece, and otherwise, nothing.  Nothing. Neither yesses or nos.  Just silence.

We are not unemployable people.  We have years of experience and mad skills in all kinds of arenas.  So what we’re both wondering is: is it our location?  Are people seeing “Denver” on our resumes and just pitching us to the side?  Once J’s resume got into the hands of the higher-ups that are doing Round 2 interviews, did THEY see “Denver” and figure, “Yeah, he’s great, but we’ve got someone else who is too, who can start immediately on Monday” ??

Are we hindering ourselves by staying here?

It is interesting to me that our thoughts have begun to turn toward taking a chance and simply “flying the coop” just this week.  Did all of that Road Opening energy open up something that we didn’t expect?  Are our spirits, instead of nudging along that one job opportunity, instead urging us to take more of a risk to help us get where we want to be?  It’s starting to feel that way.  The whole thing keeps coming up with different people this week, suddenly, people who I have large respect for…and, for the most part, they all keep saying the same thing.  “Go for it!  You can make your way, you’ll be fine.”

J is ready to pack up and haul, and take the chance.  I’m starting to be, but I’ve always been more rational about this sort of thing.  However, I have a suspicion that being rational is what has kept me from really getting to where I want to be in life.

Should we just take our chances and go?  We’ve saved up enough to get ourselves down there and also to survive for about 4-6 months (6 on the stretching-it-thin ramen end which is okay, not my first ramen rodeo).  Once there, we would have a local home base, a local address, and we would be Right There and ready to start work immediately.  We can scout on our own, and also utilize the various temp and staffing agencies down there.  Neither one of us really minds taking several steps down, as long as we eventually land income to live while pursuing those things that we really want to do.

Right now, I feel like I have been screaming at a blank and very solid wall.  Knocking at the 10-feet-thick steel door.  “Let me in!”  I can’t get employers to react to me.  I can’t get other contacts to respond.

As a result, we both feel like we’re kind of just sitting here and that life is passing us by while we wait.  There’s almost nothing left, to keep us here.

1.  Socially: We phased ourselves out of all of our extracurricular projects and activities with friends on purpose, because it was necessary in order to be able to pick up and go “sometime this year.”  Unfortunately, as a result, as time passes we are both feeling more and more of a disconnect with people that we still feel close too but…a.) We’re not actively involved with them in all the stuff we used to do, b.) Which drives home the fact that people are living their own lives and have somewhat moved on without us while we sit here and WAIT, and c.) When we see folks, we can’t make future plans because we don’t know how long we have left here.

2. Professionally: Yes, we’re both employed and making great wages and are all secure and stuff.  I can’t speak for J, but I know that I have been in this place for 11 years.  And it was NOT the sort of thing I wanted to do with my life to begin with.  And that’s okay for the most part because I have learned a TON and it’s part of the reason I feel I could go forth with confidence.  But it’s been sucking my soul out for a long time.  Now, I can barely stand to walk through the door.  I can’t look forward at this coming year and face doing alllll the same things alllll over again.  I have someone here who is ready to train and take my place.  I would feel better doing that as soon as possible, so that when the duties of 2012 really start to pick up, she is the one taking them over.  That’s just a progressive thing, git the new gal in here and started asap so that the transition is smoother and not happening when all heck breaks loose later this year.  I’m ready for a new door and new opportunities, and feel like I am phasing out of here just like I did my social stuff.

3. In general: I don’t belong here anymore, and I don’t feel any passion for anything that is taking place here.  I love love LOVE my close friends, that will never change – but I think we’re all tired of waiting.  My parents are the only other Colorado thing left.  And guess what?  They want to move back South, too.  So there ya go.

So.  If I’m feeling disconnected and like I’m living inside an empty bubble.  If I’m feeling literally physically ill about coming to work.  If I feel that life ain’t gettin’ longer and I ain’t gettin’ younger and that I NEED TO START THE NEXT PHASE OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW…

Is it worth the risk?  Is living out of a hotel and scrambling for some sort of employment and worrying slightly about running out of funds to keep a roof on our heads and food in our bellies worth being Unsafe if it means that we’re finally in the place where we want and need to be with all our hearts and guts and souls?

Do I, in its most literal form, actually Follow My Crazy?

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. bayoucreole says:

    Sooz, sounds like you’ve already made a decision.
    Now, you know I’m in NOLA and I’m in love with my city (even with all of her faults) so, I’m biased. I’m reading your post and it seems like your soul is already here. I don’t think you’d have too much trouble finding work here and there’s always the surrounding areas like Kenner or Metairie which are 10-15 minutes away by interstate. You could also work (or live) in those areas as well.

  2. I have so not been looking forward to this day.

    But even I must say it seems pretty evident that you and J really need to go. Noone wants to use a safety net, but you know you have a metric ton of them should the need arise.

    You have done everything to prepare for this for two years — but for this one detail of safety you are as ready as anyone I’ve known for a move of this magnitude.

    Go. Home is calling you, and surely some part of our soul is in prison until you return.

    You will be missed, loved, even visited. But go.

    :: tears of sadness for my loss ::
    :: tears of joy for your joy ::

    They say they be the stronger ones anyway.

    Go.

  3. Sooz,

    First, ^^^what Steve said. Precisely.

    Also… “…it’s been sucking my soul out for a long time”: I know that place, and it’s no place to be.

    What a tremendous, wonderful refresh and regrowth for you two. I am so excited for you, so anxious and happy for the *really good* that is waiting for you just down the road.

    We won’t really be that far away and change is the most natural and good thing in the universe.

    With much love and anticipation,

    Scarlett & Viaggiatore

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